This article was published on Pregnant Chicken awhile back and I am still proud of it. While I have been done now for a few months, breastfeeding has been the hardest thing I have ever done and I still wish someone would have explained these things to me…
The first few weeks postpartum were, shall we say… leaky. My eyes, my boobs, everything. To complicate matters I found myself struggling to describe to my husband what I was experiencing in the breastfeeding department. “I feel like when she latches she has a piece of glass in her mouth!” I announced through tears.
My husband sat completely motionless watching as I winced in pain, looking both scared of my hormones and completely confused about glass being in our newborn’s mouth. What I desperately needed was a way to describe what I was going through because the whole experience was completely foreign to me. It really required an entirely different vocabulary most of which didn’t exist. So as a gift to new moms everywhere I have taken the liberty of creating 12 new breastfeeding words. Make sure to make flashcards for your nearest and dearest.
Implantobsolete: Im-Plant-Ob-So-Leet | noun
The day your milk comes in you can’t stop looking in the mirror at the boobs that you always wanted, except that they are leaking milk and feel like a bag of golf balls.
Leftinthedarkpain: Left-In-The-Dark-Pain | adjective
The feeling of tiny razor-like fingernails on engorged breasts. Also experienced in the form of excruciating uterine contractions while breastfeeding the first few days. You wonder why, oh why, no one has mentioned this before, which somehow makes it more painful.
Spousal Upsiedownsie: Spous-AL Up-SEE-Down-SEE | noun
Lactation hormones creating a storm of extremes making you feel more in love with your spouse than ever, and in the next moment imagining strangling them with pump tubes.
Antidam: Anti- DAM | noun
The feeling of knowing that you are just about to cry about something absolutely ridiculous and having no way of stopping the flow of tears leaking out while your oblivious infant chows down. Typically blamed on postpartum hormones.
Selfapplause: Self-Applause | noun
The award you present yourself for making it through yet another day breastfeeding. Synonyms: Cocktail.
Isolactation: Iso-Lac-Tay-Shon | noun
The feeling of complete isolation of middle of the night feedings while your spouse, and seemingly the rest of the world, sleeps. This can also occur when pumping alone in a sketchy supply closet that your employer has provided for you to use, or when breastfeeding away from the party.
Identifake: I-Dent-i-FAKE | noun
The feeling of being a nursing imposter, who has no clue what they are doing all the while smiling and pretending they do know. Pretending it is completely common in your world for another human to be getting sustenance from your bleeding nipples.
Feedsuggestionrage: Feed-Sug-Gest-ion-Rage | noun
The rage you feel produced by someone suggesting that your baby “must be hungry” moments after you just fed them for 42 minutes on BOTH SIDES. It couldn’t possibly be that they are fussy because they aren’t pleased with the person holding them.
Shiftyboober: Shift-EE-Boob-ER | noun
The awkward feeling you feel about someone feeling awkward about breastfeeding in their presence.
Uses: I am going to nurse in my car because of the shiftyboober.
Breastreplacementacy: Breast-RE-place-MENT-acy | noun
Loving being able to provide instant comfort to your baby but also wanting to be able to pass that gift off to others once in awhile.
Boobperiod: Boob-peer-ee-od | noun
Milk leaking out of one or more breasts causing you to have to wear breastpads constantly (or a cloth diaper in your bra if you happen to run out), making it feel as though it is always your breasts’ time of the month.
Uses: Colleague: “I think you spilt something on your shirt” Me: “oh, no. That’s just my boobperiod”
Invincilactation: In-vense-a-lac-tay-shun | noun
After keeping your baby alive with your body alone for over a year, you feel as though you can accomplish anything. Well, anything except avoid feedsuggestionrage.
Just today I had to leave the pool because there were too many shiftyboobers around, I then was in a serious state of isolactation. Thank god for selfapplause!