This week, His Lordship and I are leaving Sir and Lady behind and traveling to Cuba. It will be a short trip, only 5 days but it will be 5 nights longer than I have spent away from my babes. When planning this trip I thought, ‘by that point, I will sooooo be ready to leave them to reclaim my passion for travel.’ Now here we are, just a few days away and I feel like I am going to poop. Really, when I get nervous I get diarrhea.
We are leaving them with Matt’s mom and stepdad who absolutely adore my kids and they will do a fantastic job. My biggest concern is my kiddos feeling abandoned or forgotten. I know that I am attaching adult emotions to an 18 month-old but I am just worried.
I think parenting is simply a journey of coming to terms with the mom you are, and the mom you wish you were. Before becoming a mom, I thought I would be traveling at the same rate that I was before, averaging 3 new countries in a year. The reality is, planning to leave these wild toddlers is much more complicated. For instance, I am still nursing and I will have to bring along a pump, what will happen to my milk supply? Also, Benton REALLY likes mom snuggles before bed and when he is tired his cries can turn to a tantrum in a second.
Cuba is a bucket list destination of ours and I am sure it will be all I have dreamed. I can’t wait for the food, the sun, the culture, and the beach. My friend Brie Doyle who organizes women’s retreats reminded me that taking a trip like this with young children is “a trip they will never remember you taking but it is a trip that you will never forget.” I hope she is right, and for the right reasons.
If you get a chance and are the praying type, or the good vibe sending type, please pray for our safety and the littles’ adjustment.
Be gentle with me, I have a confession; I effing hate bath time.
As a parent, I think that there is one task that just drives us mad. Like nails on a chalk board or the parenting equivalent of someone explaining a traditional IRA to me. No thank you. My thing is; bath time. I loathe it. I would rather my kids go without a bath for 5 days and begin to smell like a wet puppy, than have to endure bath time. I can’t explain fully why I hate it so much, maybe it is the time of day, maybe it is getting splashed with water, I don’t know. The good news is; Matt and my mom don’t mind this nearly as much as I do, which means that my kids are regularly bathed and you can hold off on calling Child Protective Services.
Here is a video of the hilarious mom duo from Pump and Dump about her “thing”
As many of you know, I am working on a Children’s book. My goal is to both write and illustrate it. The problem is, I often feel like an impostor when I start drawing characters. I mean, what do I know about illustration, really? I also get caught up in what will happen after I finish it. Will people want to read this? Will it get published? Will people laugh at me? So I stay stuck in the preliminary stages.
Just before Christmas I was asked to illustrate a family for a Christmas card. I was really excited about it, but so so nervous.
This family has four beautiful kids. I took this image to start with.
I decided to use a combination of Tombow and Copic markers.
Finally, after fixing the littlest’s face, I finished.
I am gaining some confidence in this process and I am ready to get serious.
Happy Holidays Friends, if you have attempted to contact me in the last week or so I apologize. I have been hermiting while working my tail off trying to prepare for this craft bazaar. I am selling hand painted or hand created greeting cards. I have made 104 of them. Let’s let that sink in for a minute…. 104!
This is the first time in my life I have put my art up for sale for the general public and it is stressing me out.
Please just stop by the Stratton Community Center this Thursday from 2-8 and buy some greeting cards from me. You didn’t even know you needed them, but you do, you so do.
You guys, I have been feeling pretty blah lately. It is a combination of all of the hatred being spewed about this election and the change of seasons that is making me weary. I am not ready for the cold, making the world less accessible.
My mantra lately is “Just show up.” When I am finding it too exhausting to put things out, as in creating, I put things in, as in learning.
All of the money I have made on selling my art and writing, I have put back into taking classes to sharpen my skills. I love learning, I love learning about things I love. I have taken a couple writing classes and below are pictures from a glass blowing class I took a while back.
I have been finding a lot of encouragement in a few books that I have really fallen in love with as of late: Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert and Carry On, Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton. Which has lead me to my new obsession; Magic Lessons Podcast. If you consider yourself to be a creator or if you want to be, go listen to this FREE podcast. It is no secret that Elizabeth Gilbert and I are soul mates (she just doesn’t know it yet) so I may be slightly biased, but give it a go and let me know what you think.
To be honest, I have been dreaming big these days and it is scary because I know that there are people out there that think I am garbage and they really don’t want to see me succeed. It’s also scary because there are people out there that believe in me that really do want me to succeed.
My friend Christy is our school nurse and she popped in on the day I was working on my commission piece. She mentioned that her birthday was coming up and that she would love some art from me. I was really excited about having something else to work on since I had so much fun doing the painting. I contacted her husband and asked him to send me a picture that Christy might like made into art.
He sent me a beautiful picture of the Maroon Bells that Christy had taken in college. I gave it my best effort but I failed. I was trying to practice with water color and I just didn’t have the patience.
So I stalked Christy on Facebook and found a beautiful picture of her adorable kiddos from their Christmas program last year.
Meanwhile, I got these new Tombow duel tipped markers in flesh tones that I had been dying to try out. So I set on my way to try a portrait. Big deal ladies and gentlemen.
The thing about watercolor is that it is SOOOO unforgiving. So if I mess up I have to start over and I really really hate starting over.
I misjudged the color of the darker skin tone marker and it resulted in her kids looking like they were poster children for the dust bowl.
So, take two: I tried again and as I got closer and closer to being done, I got more and more hesitant to work on it because I didn’t want to mess anything up.
I finally got enough guts to complete it, I put it in a frame from amazon and gave it to her for her birthday.
Blessings for this project: Christy has cute kids, tombow makes amazing markers, and encouragement from Christy to make something for her.
Boundaries: Portraits are HARD, if one little thing is off it just doesn’t look right, overcoming my fear of watercolor.
I think it turned out pretty cute!
In other news: I am considering doing more commission pieces for Christmas so let me know if you are interested.
I have been hanging on to this one for a while but I think it is time to put it out there…
I’ll make a meal and say lot’s of prayers for you. I will think of you constantly in the coming days but what I really want you to know is;
You are a shining example of strength. I marvel at you. I worry that my words will not bring comfort and could have the opposite effect but I want to share my heart rather than remain silent. I won’t try and interpret God’s plans or encourage you to look to ‘next time’.
Tonight you join the most undesired club imaginable. Your baby will not be a part of this world and I am sure that it seems that they are taking your whole life with them. No mother should have to endure what you have just been through or what you will undoubtedly encounter in the coming months and years.
I do not know the depth of your grief and I cannot imagine how dark it must seem. I have not walked in your shoes and my mind has limits to even beginning to comprehend how shattered you certainly are. My heart breaks for you. Although I cannot say, “I know exactly how you feel.” I know the intensity of a mother’s love, and I know that there is no greater bond. Through this love, I stand with you. Let me try to extend your baby’s legacy by vowing to you that I will not take the birth of my children for granted. I will hug them a bit longer and let them snuggle long past their bedtime. I vow to continue the love you have to give in the only way I can.
I send you my heart and all of my love.
The loss of your tiny soul is not fair. It is not fair that random teenagers who have no business getting pregnant, procreate accidentally, while many of those so suited to love a baby are denied the privilege. It is not fair that one parent receives their miracle and you bury yours. Life’s cruelty is no better illustrated than in this inequity. It is not fair that my entrance into motherhood was unremarkable.
I don’t know what words I can offer when I feel that the very existence of my babies is rubbing salt in your wound. I am sorry for thinking that I have anything at all to do with your grief. What I want you to know is that your child will not be forgotten. In its short life, it has transformed you and in its absence, undoubtedly destroyed you. You are not alone in this journey rebuilding yourself and your dreams. You share the heart of every mother.